I am racing again

It felt out of this world to be competing again. It was not a long ago when I thought that I won't be able to do it again.
And then somehow, I did it.

I thought that 2017 would be the first year since last century in which I wouldn't do a race. Well, I was running, getting back in shape, regaining my confidence. I was doing hills again, pushing, puffing, feeling my lungs complaining, my legs disobeying. Perhaps procrastinating, especially before interval training and no surprise, punishing hills.
Or before working on my core, and realizing that there was not much core left.
But I didn't race. I was scared. I thought that everyone would know that I was that guy who didn't believe that he could do it.
And I wasn't a professional athlete. I didn't have a team.

I missed that racing excitement. Racing high. Going through all the routine before the race. Breathing, trying to relax, and thinking about the crux. Knowing that it is going to hurt on the hills. Knowing that I will be without breath and that my muscles will be choking.
But also knowing that others will be hurting too.
Knowing that I've seen and felt things that they haven't.

I used to race a lot. During all seasons, and the harder the track, the more demanding weather, the more remote area were, I would feel better about it. I would strive on a steep, single track uphill battle grounds, how I called them. Hills were my friends. Each one of them thought me something about myself, the most, how not to quit, ever.

I learned about a second wind. How it always comes, inevitably. When there is only one thought left  - to stop, and to quit pain. And then, that feeling of adrenaline....rushing, and feeling that I move again, using my own power.
Or was it just confirming what I always knew, or perhaps what I learned during Sarajevo siege?
When there was no time to quit. When there was no option called quitting.
At that time I wasn't given that comfortable option, to be able to quit, to simply leave, or to stop.

And somehow now, after 25 years, I got so spoiled, I got so weak, that I couldn't race. Because I was afraid that I would quit, that I would hurt, and that I would fail. What a problem!

It was pathetic - no race can be that tough or comparable to Sarajevo siege. And yet, it took me so long to do it again. Yes, my arm is still not good, but it is not essential for running - why would such thoughts froze me?
I wasn't frozen a quarter of century ago, when I didn't have a choice.
I don't know how I pulled it then - but it seems it got engraved in whatever is that being that is me.

The butcher and his armada who bombed us for 1425 days and who just got sentenced in the Hague taught me invaluable lesson - Never Quit. Race Again. Be Patient. Forgive. Love. Never take anything for granted.
Who would ever think and believe that I could learn such things from a war criminal?

1425 days was a long time. Only people who lived through it do understand it.

Back to racing - When I crossed the finish line, I felt happier, perhaps then ever - I knew that I was doing it again. I was simply doing it, and that was again the only goal - to run.

I am playing tennis again

I haven't written for a long time. But this only applies to this blog - I almost forgot I have it.
I did write though.
This year, 2017 was a year of doing many things for the first time, again. Learning how to do these things, again, and experiencing most incredible joy that was triggered just by doing things I loved to do, and now I was able to do again.

Again

I did go running again, I did go swimming again, I did go skiing again, I did cross glaciers again, and I did work again.
It took some time to do all of it again, and required a lot of patience.

During last 13 months I have worked quietly on my left arm, enabling it to function normally again. All occupational therapy, all physio, and all alternative methods I applied in Japan and China helped to return majority of functionality and mobility to my arm.
Comparing to a year ago, my arm is like a new.
But it will still need some time to return to a pre-accident state.

But then, there has been so much excitement, when doing things for the first time again.

I experienced such an excitement on a tennis court.
The game of tennis was one of the things I enjoyed to do - mostly in a recreational way, but still competing, in order to become a better player. It is indeed a beautiful game that allows you to improve at any age.

Awesome

When I stepped on the court after more than 13 months and when I hold my racket - it felt, I I can say AWESOME. I can use that overused word to describe it 😂
It felt fantastic to be on the court with 3 people who sailed with me during that big storm that happened more than 13 months ago. That was even more special than hitting a ball.
These three beautiful souls were with me again, not at the hospital, but this time at the tennis court where we all enjoyed game of tennis. Exactly how we did it before.

This game of tennis on this day had so many "first" ones. When I hit the first return, when I served for the first time, when I won the first point, when I won the first point on the net....When I won the first game, when I won the first set.....So many first ones.
When I made my first error, when I missed the return, when I missed a volley......
Amazingly, I didn't have any double faults :)

I felt free and I felt happy. I didn't care much if I'll miss my shots. I was beyond that. I knew that I will be forever beyond that. I knew what I didn't want.

I am swimming again

Yesterday was four months since I injured my arm. It is interesting how now from this perspective, the injury feels and looks as something ancient. At the beginning it seemed that I will never be able to move my arm, or to do anything with it.

And yesterday, I was able to swim again. That was an unforgettable feeling. Of course, as I wrote before, in the big picture of overall life, it is super small, infinitesimal thing, but in my world, it had a profound effect.

I was moving through water again! I was moving my arms, and most importantly I was moving my, still, crooked left arm. I was swimming.
I was quite protective of the arm, during first couple of meters, but then, it just became natural, as always before. I was swimming breaststroke, and it worked. Of course it wasn't fast, and it wasn't executed with a best style, but it did work. When I switched to free style, I felt a bit of pain in my left elbow, as I was now moving my arm much faster. And also, at this moment I wasn't able to extend my arm fully. I am still working on extension, and wear my "ex-tensor" splint religiously 8 hrs per night.

During the last two months since I started my (occupational) therapy, I was able to improve both extension and flexion of my elbow for 20 degrees. Of course, all of this was possible thanks to occupational therapy experts Susan, Sheryl and Sally. They have helped tremendously.
I am still far away to having a fully functional arm, but I am on the right track. Normal number for flexion is 145 degrees, and I was 114 on this Tuesday. If I can reach 130, my flexion will be in a functional range. In regards to extension, normally it is 0 degrees, and I had actually negative value of -3 degrees before the injury, and now I am 29 degrees before a treatment and I was 20 degrees after the treatment. That is almost a functional range.

This has been an interesting journey. Best thing was when I accepted that this will be a long process. It felt liberating when I understood that there is no miracle with such an injury. There was no unfortunately Dr. Leonard McCoy and his medical tricorder to instantly fix my ligaments, tendons and nerves :) 😆 But on the other hand everything else that Susan, Cheryl and Sally have used helped me to get to this stage.

I mentioned somewhere that my newest the most favourite animal was a turtle. I adopted the best attributes of a turtle - slow but steady.

I swam for 1 km, mixing breaststroke and free style, and the longest distance I was able to do at once was 150 m. When I swim next time, next week, I will try to do 1.5 km, and do 3 x 200 m at once. I am still weak, my left arm is weak, and it will take time to build muscles - that's why I still feel pain - as there has been muscle atrophy. When I look at my left biceps/triceps, they look pathetic 😮.

But it will get better and it will get to where it was, and I have an opportunity now to make it even stronger.

I am continuing this journey of recovery, and I am excited to do it.

I am running again

I ran today for the first time since I injured myself. It wasn't a long run, and it wasn't a hard run - it was the first run. It felt great. It felt as a new beginning.
I did spend considerable time hiking since surgery, and all of that was done in a careful manner - no slips, no falls, as I had to protect my arm. I wasn't supposed to do it, but I did it.
But I haven't run, until today.
Today, my arm was working. Not as how it should, and how it did, but it was sufficient for my run. I ran for 5 km, all flat, went for 2.5 km, and then turned back. I did it in 25 minutes. This would be considered slow, in normal circumstances, but today it felt fast.

I was feeling my arm, and it was moving almost as any normal, healthy arm. It did feel stiff, and I've felt its limited mobility. I am still far away from even functional mobility.
It will take long time to get it back. Mobility.
Two days ago I tried to hold a guitar, and play, but it didn't work. I can't bend my arm enough, so that I could play harmonies. I can do individual notes, and simple chords, but nothing else. And I get tired, my wrist, my hand, common extensor and flexor tendons get really tired.

Last time I ran on July 17th, and I almost don't remember it. I did go "running" in the meantime, except I didn't run, as I was just walking around a track, or up ski hill. It did help me to increase my heart rate. It did convince me that I can still do it.
I did run 5 laps on a track, and that felt good too, but I don't count it.

I have been walking every day. Between 8 and 10 km. Carrying a bag with soup cans in it. I carry it with my recovering arm, so that it can get extension - I do it for 2 km, and then next 20 minutes I work on my wrist mobility - pronation and supination. And then again I carry the bag, and then again wrist exercises.
I add more weight every couple of days.

Another aspect of this story is that I am using both hands as I am typing. My arm is good enough to allow me to type on a keyboard. I cannot type for a long time, as my wrist and forearm gets very sore, and I feel pain. I stop a bit, take some rest, and continue. As my friend Jack said, it is a child's phase, where I am (re)learning new skills, and new synapses in my brain are created.
It is amazing feeling to be able to type. I wish I were able to write, but that's taking a bit more time. Well, I've learned how to write with my other hand, so I can claim that I am ambidextrous  :)

I will run now on a daily basis - to built it up, to get where I was before. I will do a test run in 3 weeks, to do 10 km under 50 minutes. And yes, that is still ueber slow, but it will work at this stage.

I also started working on my biceps and triceps muscles, including forearm muscles. My arm experienced atrophy, so I have to fix it. I am doing it on my own, as there is no existing protocol for me in a physio therapy world. My physio therapist haven't seen such elbow damage in his career, so everything in regards to physio is (will be) new.
This was a special case. I wish it were not.

I am dreaming about racing again.

325 days

Glenda was right. When she told me in April 2007 that it will take "at least 8 months" to recover from groin injury.

When I heard that I thought that she was nuts, crazy, lunatic - why the hell I would be out for so long, because of this 'little' groin problem?

Glenda is my physio therapist. I met her in 2002, when I injured my left foot on Garneau clay. By playing tennis. Foot therapy lasted almost 4 months, but I still feel pain sometimes, when there is a big weather change. Next time I saw her in July 2004 - just a month before the Death Race - this time I injured my right foot. She had a tough job to make me fit in 3 weeks, so I could do the best (and craziest) race in the world. And she did- she made it, I made it. I guess, it was a double win, for Glenda, for me, and also my mind recorded the win - over matter.

And the last time I saw her, it was 325 days ago. Well, it was not really last time, it was my last injury and first appointment, and I hope when I see Glenda next time, it won't be because I am injured. It really sucks to be injured. With stupid groin injury. I could not believe that it would take so long to finally feel better - Glenda knew it, because she's treated numerous hockey players who were unlucky to injure their groins. And, I am not talking about 'groin'. I am talking about 'aine', 'prepona', 'leiste'...

I am planning to start running once I am back from Asia, and that will be in July, so I will be ready for some races in October. I hope I will be ready.

I have a new lucky number. It is 325.